Paralyzed
“He had lived his life with paralysis and I never realized the cost.”
Paralysis
I have known about paralysis all my life. My aunt and uncle were killed in a car accident in 1969 and my two first cousins were paralyzed from the waist down. Even though I was born before the accident, I have no memory of them not being in wheelchairs. I remember going to see them in Warm Springs Rehabilitation Hospital when they were learning "life skills." When I would go see my grandparents, we would always make a trip to see them. I used to think it was an adventure. I loved playing the juke box in the commons area. I would play the old version of "Rose Garden" and dance around the room like it was my stage. I remember when they were able to come home and my grandparent's church built a bedroom, bathroom and a ramp to make their house handicap accessible. I thought it was the coolest thing that my grandparents had a ramp to their house. I loved riding in their van with the lift on the back. It was thrilling to ride up and down the lift with Harlton and James. I never understood why they didn't love it as much as I did.
James died in 1987. He died because he was swimming alone and got a cramp. His paralysis kept him from getting to the side of the pool in time. It was such a sad time in my life. I felt paralyzed for the first time because I was not there to help him. He and I were very close and his passing left a huge void in my life.
I had the honor of taking care of Harlton after my mother died. I didn't think it was an honor at the time but now I see the lessons that God was teaching me. Caring for Harlton was exhausting. Due to his paralysis, he had horrible circulation. Poor circulation leads to many problems, but his main issue was bed sores. Most people don't understand the severity of bed sores. His sores were so bad that you could see bone. The pain of bed sores is excruciating. I never quite respected him enough. He was a man that could not use his lower body; even the strongest of pain meds could only dull his suffering and he had basically lost everyone in his life. Oh, how I wish I could turn back the clock and tell him how much I admire him for living life at all. I took for granted most of the blessings that God gave to me during that time. He had lived his life with paralysis and I never realized the cost.
At approximately this time four weeks ago today, my heart became paralyzed. I felt pain that no medicine could dull. Simple tasks became so difficult. The things that I spent my time on seem so trivial now. My world is broken. Paralysis is part of MY life now. Although I will live my life on earth without my first born and a part of me just doesn't work the way it is supposed to work - all is not lost. My friend, Tom, told my mother-in-law at church that my scripture was Psalm 121. I turned quickly to it. It was a familiar friend.
1I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
2My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
3He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5The Lordwatches over you—
the Lordis your shade at your right hand;
6the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7The Lordwill keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
8the Lordwill watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
I am trying to memorize that scripture. I have asked friends to join me in memorizing it. A good friend reminded me that this scripture says that I have a large mountain to climb. The journey will be filled with heartache and sorrow but it will also be filled with precious memories and joy. As I make the journey with my broken heart, I am not alone. I have people all over the world lifting me up. I have friends carrying me when the road is long. I have a family who will walk the journey with me wiping away my tears. I have a husband and two sons who are making the same climb with me. Most of all I have a God who is watching over my coming and going both now and forevermore.
My paralysis is only temporary. Soon I will be restored.
.